the Word Burglar (adustierstar) wrote,
the Word Burglar

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"Bring your heartstrings with the bells"

I should maybe/probably put something up here about what I've been doing. Then again, that's a pretty quick fix - not much. I have been applying to hundreds of jobs, hearing nothing back, and being harped upon about how I'm not trying hard enough. Which is fun.

I've been reading more than usual, which is nice, but right now it's self-help books about getting jobs and why no really, lots of people my age feel paralyzed and like everything we ever knew was a lie. The one book would be a lot better, I think, if it weren't so targeted to people who were my age 10 years ago - you know, when the job market was practically begging people to need them, and "dot coms" were still going to be everybody's saving grace. It reads a little dated now, and all the stories in it are about not settling for an unfulfilling job, but rather you should hop from job to job, as a butterfly through a spring meadow. It's just not realistic anymore.

I keep trying to make myself do some writing, but I just stare. Or I take a break to do some reading so I'll be more inspired to write, and I read and read and read, and then I don't write at all. I just stare. It's frusrating. Just like everything else.

Except the gym! Well, it IS frustrating sometimes - like when I think about how much progress I've made (hovering at or slightly below 30lbs - will know in the morning), and how I still wear all the same size clothes. They look better, and are looser, generally, but they're the same ones. I'm not skinnier-enough to buy smaller clothes, even now. And NOTHING is more perspective-sharpening than going to an adult ballet class and seeing myself in the mirror in my tights etc. So you think you're making progress? Well, THIS is how far you've come. Better not quit yet, eh?

Still, I'm really enjoying the dance class I started a few weeks ago, and I'm really pleased with how much stronger I am at the regular gym than I used to be. And I feel like halfway done is pretty significant, if also disheartening (I have to do this all again?).

There's a lot I could whiny-bitch about, but I don't want to anymore. Instead, let's talk about how exciting it is that it's getting to be fall! I have missed autumn desperately the last few years. I am especially excited for my first hot apple cider and Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season. And sweaters! And boots! And pumpkins and leaves and leaf-burning wood fires and the last backyard s'mores fires of the year, and cold winds on sunny days, and everything feeling burnt and red and gold. It's like finding out the whole world is a long-lost treasure galleon you can explore every year.

What else is exciting? Geez, I don't even know anymore. I spend too much time entering the same information over and over into applications or starting at mindless TV shows to really know. I wish it were easier to find people to spend time with, but I feel like potential new friends have all left this town, and my two remaining friends are too super-busy for me to expect to see them very often, and one of them is leaving me to get on with her life (yay for her! And it's not immediately, or even really soon, but I was still surprised/shocked). I don't know how to meet people. I understand this is common, but that doesn't really help me. Oh, well.

So I tried to make this end on a positive note, but I guess it didn't go as planned. Sorry! here's hoping the next post is happier :D
Tags: books, friends, panic, tv, weight, work, writing
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