My NaNo is still behind, but I wrote 4k words yesterday, bringing me up to 20k in total, which makes the deficit only 4k unlike the 6k it was before. Ugh I have been so bad. I really need to get at least the required 2k done today, but I haven't written a word. I'm still trying to figure out what needs to happen in the meantime.

Note: Anyone who wants to read what I have so far (and has a gmail) should let me know and I'll share the Google Doc with you. I don't edit it in Google Docs, so I just periodically delete what's up and reupload the Word file (and then obviously share it again). Comment/send me your gmail, and I'll be happy to share with you (if you have some time to spare haha).

I have been so swamped with this, but I think it's good for me. It's some pressure (not so much, but some at least), and I like that. It changes the quality of my time, and I appreciate it more. Even if I take too many breaks or, at any given moment, don't want to write, I like having something I'm supposed to be doing. It's helpful.

I had another singing lesson yesterday, and it went pretty well. I'm still really squeaky in the high notes, but hopefully I'll stretch that back out. I have a song to do now, and as usual I am given something I've never heard before. Surely there can't be that many more musicals I don't know left? Anyway I'm doing "I Hate Men" from Kiss Me, Kate and aside from being very chatty I think it'll be good.

Today, I went back to the gym, and afterward realized that I have officially become one of those people who "can feel it" when they haven't been. I realized that I'd been feeling really lazy and fat the last few days, and I felt so much better after working out today that I think that's the only reliable explanation. Kind of gross lol XD I also felt enraged by the criminal lack of sunlight (it's pitch-dark by 4:30 already, and the sun only comes out at like 8ish). I can't manage it, it fills me with so much anger.

I'm sure you're all thrilled by this news update, and so I'm going to extend it with a meme I stole from crazykidben. He posted this ages ago, but I'm just getting around to it so whatevs XD

( Alphabet Meme )

Blerg I am having serious motivational issues with NaNo. It's not that I don't know what's going to happen or whatever, it's just that I feel so overworked on this front. I've been writing so much every day that I feel sort of burnt out, you know? Well I say every day, but I didn't write at all on Sunday, and I stopped three hundred words short of my goal for yesterday (mostly because it was a segue/mini-scene that I'm not sure how to manage properly). I keep panicking about not being able to finish in time because of having to make up for lost words, and that makes me feel like I need to WRITE EVEN MORE NOW ALL THE TIME WRITE WHY AREN'T YOU WRITINGGGGG

Which is of course also how I feel know, compounded by the guilt of writing something that doesn't contribute to the All-Powerful Word Count. Which is, incidentally, 9713 words according to MS Word. Though when I put it in the NaNo validator last (over a thousand words ago), I gained 20 words, so who knows.

I am having major concerns about the whole thing - the pacing and the characterizations and how my most recent encounter, which was a minor one, was two or three thousand words, whereas all the Major Events have been much shorter. I really liked the way it came out, but I don't know how uneven that makes it. And also I'm worried that I should have only one major character - I'm thinking of having both of them kidnapped, but then Thorsen is taken away and Lif has to rescue him on her own before they can go home and save their families etc. Sort of shades of The Snow Queen, I guess, because I love that story and if I could write something like it I would die happy. BUT ALSO I can't go back and do that because it would mess with the Word Count too much and I would have no chance of making 50k before the end of the month. I'm going to be super annoyed if I don't win, because I'm trying really hard and it'll be by 2k words or less if I do lose and that would be Some Bullshit™.

Anyhow, I guess I'd better get back to it, or I'll be even more behind and probably quit. Because I'm not going to fight a losing battle, it's not really my style. Maybe it's not a good way to go, but it's how I usually deal with things like that. Ugh how do I get them food in a way that doesn't seem contrived? Despite actually being contrived because, well, it will be, because that's what I'm doing. Contriving it. And off I go, to get my Cheshire Squirrel to do something for me - why else would I have put him in?

PS I spent too much money today and not enough of it was not for me. But I have two more Christmas presents taken care of, better stuff for showering at the gym, and a stack of books I didn't need, but am happy I bought.

1:41am EDIT: I was almost not going to write anything at all today because I just could not manage it, but have forced out a thousand words (which is about all I could have expected, starting at 10 like I did), which puts me further behind than I was, but not as much further behind as I would have been had I just chucked it entirely. Still debating making this a one-heroine story for a while, but mostly because I can't figure out how to give Thorsen any character. Must make up those 3k words somewhere, oh dear. We shall see. Today's final word count: 11,003.

So I just had my singing lesson. I was extremely nervous and when the first thing that happens is "Caro Mio Ben" appears in front of me and I hear, "Let's start with this" I wasn't any less nervous. It didn't help that I could not hit the first note right off the bat - I really needed to warm up etc and I was dying of tense anyway so yeah. Anyway over the course of the half hour I did manage it, both on just "la" and with the words (though it got a bit thin at any of the parts where the music looked complicated - I have apparently forgotten how to sight-read) so that was good. I had to do a bunch of testing up and down for range and some silly-looking exercises etc. I mean, it was super embarrassing partly because I feel like I've lost a lot of range and technique and because the exercises made me feel silly. The teacher, on the other hand, seemed to think I was all right and didn't lose patience with me (at least not visibly haha), which was good. I feel really good about it, especially since I can forgive a lot of the squeakiness and music-fail as it's been 6 years since I did any of this in a serious kind of way. Plus I was never good at sight-reading. It's a lot of guesswork, just like my foreign languages. Context is the way forward haha XD ANYWAY it's over and I'm supposed to think about it and text him if I want to keep having lessons. Of course I want to keep having lessons, and I was pretty okay with his style so I don't see why not. I guess I'll text him tomorrow afternoon or Thursday so it doesn't look like I'm not thinking it over XD I bought myself a fancy sandwich on the way home as a reward lol

In other news, I am 2000 words behind in my NaNo, and I'll have to make them up sometime. I tried yesterday but only managed to scrape in with yesterday's 2000. This puts me at 6k when I should be at 8 - 10 by the end of today. So I have 4k to do today or I need to tack on 500 extra words to 4 days (because I spent Sunday moping and not writing) bleh. We'll see how it goes. Good lord. Fortunately, I have manufactured some plottish things to fit in between the bigger bits because otherwise it would just be bam bam bam and it's over. Not what we're looking for! I'd better get to work on that, actually. But first I've got some things to order so they'll get in before Christmas.

EDIT: PS I AM SUPER SICK OF THE NANO SITE BEING BROKEN SINCE YESTERDAY AND RIDICU-SLOW SINCE I SIGNED UP THURSDAY. WTF GUYS STEP IT UP.

So this is going to be a HUGE wall-o-text under the cut, but it's the 4155 words I have so far for NaNoWriMo. I am looking for concrit and ideas about characterization (I feel like my two main characters are really flat because I'm probably worrying too much about keeping things moving. Can you tell they have personalities? If no, what do you think I should do about it?), but all thoughts are welcome. Plz halp?

( Probably calling it Final Winter but idk yet )

Soooo...it may be a bad idea, but I've decided to try NaNo(WriMo) again this year. Last time I only got 260 words in, but because I cheated a bit I'm already at 925! I only started today/last night or there'd be more (I hope lol). If you're on the official site, I'm adustierstar on there, too - friend me! Make me feel behind with your much better wordcounts! I like friends :D

In other news, my trial voice lesson (!!!!) is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon - I'm really excited, but I'm also super nervous! I've been to probably 10 or 12 choir rehearsals since 2003, and that is literally all the serious singing I've done. In six years. I'm going to have lost so much range and technique and everything - omg it's going to be so embarrassing! Must. Not. Panic. He knows I haven't sung in years and years, so hopefully it will be fine O_O;; Also I feel like a failure already because I don't have my music with me lol I know it's stupid because my music books are where I last used them...in Valpo, where I went to high school, which is when I last used them. Omg this is going to be...something. We'll see. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.

Ugh I went to the gym again today like I was supposed to (and bought a handbag from the handbag man! It is purple and adorable and the inside fabric is pink with silver stars!), and like Wednesday I am already sore from it. Next time (after my appointment) I'll be back up to 30 minutes of cardio machines, and I'm already back on all the resistance stuff I was doing before - though a few of them need the weights upped next time. I upped arm weights today (to a whopping 5kg oooo fancy) and added reps to my abs stuff last time. So in other words, I'm getting there. AND it turns out I have lost two inches off my bust and hips and three off my waist! Since May, so it's not earthshattering, but still - it's something! At least I know I'm not gaining weight/size (which I sometimes convince myself is true and then panic for a while). So hooray for that!

I feel like I have a handle on half my Christmas presents, so that's good, too - I'm really glad that I'm doing so much and making myself so busy. I just feel better about things. But also I'm glad that I've decided to actually do things that I always used to like to do then stopped for various reasons - I don't want to let my life get in my way, you know? So I'm pleased with my recent decisions to do some of those things again while I have time.

So I'll probably not make another 1075 words by midnight, but I can hope! As long as I've made 4k by tomorrow midnight (haha), I'll be on schedule for starting 5 days late XD

In an uncharacteristically decisive move, today I went to the university's music department and asked about voice lessons! The people in the office were very nice (though I think the girl was a little bit confused at first that I wasn't a student: "Well...you'd have to pay...but I can ask?"), and one of them is I guess starting to take over some of the voice teaching (he talked too fast and I didn't quite get what he said lol) so he said he'd probably email me soon. It's exciting! This is mostly due to not wanting to give up boardgaming Thursdays (if we ever go again lol) for SingSoc plus being more interested in solo/small groups than large choirs. I debated not going straight away (I only had this idea last night) but then decided if I waffled now I would continue to waffle and never get it done. So I'm pleased with myself!

I also had a strawberry and lemon fruit shake for (an extremely late) lunch, which is less, you know, good, but was still really tasty (though I think I expected it to taste like a smoothie rather than a shake so it was heavier than I expected). I also found an unexpectedly amazing part-gift for my brother for Christmas at Evolution and, despite not having planned to buy anything today, I had to buy it straight away lest they all be gone by the time I remembered again. Haha I've been so productive today XD

In other news, avatar1983 and I have been going to the University's ballroom dancing club thing, and we're really enjoying it! We missed two lessons because of being away so we were behind and struggling a little recently, but we've mostly recovered, so that's good XD So far we have learned quite a lot of the cha-cha (as long as we can remember what we're meant to be doing in it), some of the jive (which I think will be really fun once we've got more steps and once I work out how to do the one spin in time etc), a bit of the waltz (which is mostly good except I don't understand the turns at the end of what we know), and a big chunk of the quick-step that no one in the group seems to fully grasp, so we're not alone in that. We're mostly all right, actually, and I'm impressed with us lol XD But we still struggle some (in no small part thanks to me being nothing like as good at it as I expected omg haha). The first time I wore the dancing shoes I bought, though I managed to get huge hideous blisters, so that didn't bode well - this week I wore them with really thick socks, and seem to have avoided any such problems, but I'm not sure this is a permanent solution. We shall see.

I'm really panicking a little about getting people things for Christmas! I mostly have no ideas for my friends, and feel really constrained by money so I'm not sure what I should do! It was easy last year because I could just do touristy type stuff from Germany, and it worked out fine, but this year I have nothing interesting to offer D: Lol I should have bought everyone touristy stuff in Norway (though I would have gone bankrupt becuase great christ was everything expensivvvvvvvvve O_o;). We'll see what I can drum up, anyway. God this sound terrible and like I'm not willing to give any thought to my friends as people but that's not what I mean ): Ugh whatever I've still got some time. It'll work out. I'll manage. Haha.

Icon: it's not too seasonal if it's also super adorable ♥

There has been a lot of interesting posting going around recently - I find the whole discussion fascinating, and I hope people keep replying to those posts, but I'm not going to get into it - there or here - mostly because I will be repeating what some others have said and mostly I don't want to get invested in it beyond "I agree with this person!" or "Why is this person being an idiot?" I just don't think I would really add anything.

I am excited about dressing up tomorrow, though I worry that my costume will require constant explanation because I'm not sure that it's not too obscure for that. Oh, well. I will still enjoy it.

I've had a good couple of days - I went to the gym today (I would normally have gone yesterday, but because this costume requires hair-curling I went today so that I could curl it while it was still wet and I wouldn't have to go still in curlers tomorrow), had to buy some extra groceries on the way back (and also hairspray), and was successfully assisted in getting all of my hair into rollers. So that's something, I guess. Yesterday I did exactly nothing except go to see a stage production of Beauty and the Beast :D It was really entertaining, though there were a few moments where I was just in shock from the decisions made...still, it was worth £20 :D They changed the words to songs in at least 3 places! I have no idea why, but they definitely did. By which I mean no, I don't know every single word to every single song in that show why would you ask. bebedebroadway do you still read LJ? Do you still have those YouTube videos from when you were Belle? I want to see your version of Change in Me, because I don't know the song well (it's too new for the OBC recording I have, and it wasn't in the show when I last saw it in like 1995 or something). I am also trying to find a copy of Susan Egan singing it to tack (however erroneously) into my copy of the soundtrack.

I think I'm going to watch Hocus Pocus now because I haven't seen it in ages and it's nearly Halloween, after all XD

So my worrying about the mail was unfounded, hooray! Both my orders cam today, I have tried them both on, and am extremely pleased with them! I will be super excited to dress up Saturday :D

In other news, I'm also super excited about how cheap it was to have my boots stretched! It was only £3.95 - I had been worrying all the way to the cobbler's that I didn't have enough cash for it, since I have no experience that would tell me how much a service like that is likely to cost. So I was really pleased by that.

Also, I finally went back to the gym today! I did a shorter program than usual (only 20 minutes of cardio, and leaving out a couple of resistance exercises), realized partway through that I had forgotten my towel, and so had to rent one afterward, but oh well! I'm mostly glad that I made myself go and hope that I'll be able to continue making myself go with any kind of regularity.

I know I've had two weeks not going recently, but even before that I've been very disappointed with my results. I am coming to understand that this will be a much longer-term project than I had anticipated, but that's because I'm sticking to my guns about things I think are important (like not turning meals into math problems etc) so the results will never be as revolutionary as if I went on a crash diet as well. Obviously, my current diet could still use work, but I'm not willing to tamper with it a lot more because then it would start to get kind of unreasonable, in my opinion.

Completely unrelatedly, I have also recently been sad that I never took a costuming or pattern-drafting class because I have designed a dress (initially for a competition I then realized I couldn't really enter) that I would really like to see on someone. Maybe it will just have to wait for aflumpsinlondon's first movie premier (do you even still use your LJ Flumpy?) - if she wouldn't rather have something by a real designer lol

Blerg the pattern of fail continues. I am not at the gym right now like I should be because I am feeling crampy and terrible in a way that means if I did go to the gym I would either work too hard and feel worse or I would just not do anything and waste my time (which is not particularly valuable at this juncture, but whatever).

Other things have been less faily, though, so that's all right. elyndys, vanillafire and I went to UK PonyCon 2009 on Saturday, and it was great! I had decided I would buy a pony there just because, expecting they would be horribly expensive, but no! Lots of people had bins of ponies they were selling for 50p or £1, so that was awesome :D I bought 6 ponies in total, 4 of which were at very reasonable prices, one was more than I would ideally have paid, and the last one was extortionate. But it's a Big Brother pony! One of only three I saw for sale all day! It was half the price of the most expensive one and the same price as one in worse condition, so I bought him. For £15. LOOK I KNOW OKAY. But all the other ponies put together cost that much so I feel that averaging £5/pony isn't too bad. I am so pleased that I now have a small collection of My Little Ponies to remind me of my childhood - they're so pretty and adorable!

In other news, I have been furiously eBaying since I mentioned it before, but have indeed managed to win all the necessary pieces for the costume as I envision it (ie not a perfect representation, but who has the time for that kind of research/reproduction in a week on limited funds?). I really hope that the skirt will make it here in time with the strikes...we shall see. If not, I can make something up that's only a little less good. I'll have to curl my hair and invent some kind of late-Victorian hatless style for it, as I have no suitable headwear (and don't really picture the character with a hat anyway).

I feel like there was something else I was going to talk about, but I can't think of what it is, so I guess I'll leave it till later, if I remember it then.

PS we bought a pumpkin today! I am excited to carve it :D I loved my pirate ship pumpkin, and so did all the trick-or-treaters we got! Good times. I love Halloween ♥

Getting back into the faily rhythm of my life, I have managed not to go to the gym today like I meant to. In my (not very solid) defense, it was because I got distracted by eBay and trying to organize the last-minute costume plan change we made (since I diligently didn't do a stitch of sewing after we finished the mock-up shirt :/ I really need to stop sucking at things). Our new costumes aren't as awesome as the Guybrush and Elaine ones would have been (but I can totally do those for next year or some costume opportunity before then!), but I think they'll be pretty good.

In other news, science says the internet is definitely good for you, and I finally figured out that the smartest thing to do about stretching my new boots out (they could do with being a little bit wider for optimal blister avoidance) is to take them to the cobbler. Ner. So I will do that the next time I manage to get myself out of the house in daytime. Actually, maybe tomorrow, since I will in fact be out of the house in daytime...that could work.

I'm a little annoyed by some extremely inconvenient timing that means I can't/don't want to get some medical things checked out for another week, but I guess that's life.

Unrelatedly, I have decided that I would really like to be Malena Ernman. She seems pretty awesome and she has a stellar voice. Plus then I'd be Swedish and what doesn't that make better?

PS I enjoyed watching a couple hours' worth of Brütal Legend last night, and might possibly try playing it sometime, despite "RTS" standing for "Run Run Save Yourself" in my personal language. I also think that Tim Schafer is being unnecessarily obtuse in saying it's not an RTS, because that's just nonsense. Despite this, it's an RTS I might actually try playing sometime unlike every other contribution to this genre ever published ever for any reason. ALSO I would like to say that just because I find much of Brütal Legend badass does not mean I forfeit my right to relentlessly make fun of metal culture because COME ON YOU GUYS. "The Last Winged Unicorn"? I'm not going to forget that.

PPS I'm not sure anyone here is interested, but after avatar1983 made an offhand comment about wanting to go to CMU (for the shiny tech stuff they do haha) I found another serious contender for a PhD program - the University of Pittsburgh has a Children's Literature certificate, and offers PhD concentration through either English or "Critical and Cultural Studies" - at this point, I am encouraged that it is possible to do what I want to do, and am actually kind of okay with the idea of going to Pennsylvania...(though this is nothing like an actual plan, since like I said, avatar1983's comment was a throwaway jokey one)

Soooooo in keeping with my apprent new tradition, it's been over TWO weeks since my last post - whooops. Part of this I can be forgiven since I am currently in Germany and have been since last Saturday. And no one can be expected to make regular posts whilst doing vacationy things (some people manage anyway, but I am generally not among them).

So, yes, that's the long and the short of it. avatar1983 and I are at his parents' house, and have gone to see various things while here. We have also both developed and subsequently conquered (well, mostly in my case) hideous deathcolds, which limited our planned gallivanting. In other words, no castles this time, but instead we have seen a few museums, a great exhibit on Mucha, a church and a really cool abbey-compound, we have bought lots of fancy chocolate, and had some seriously delicious food. In all, I think it's been a pretty good trip. Minus the illnesses.

In other news, I need to get my hair trimmed, I still need to find out about shoe stretching methods etc, I need to find out what I should get people for Christmas because if I don't start early I won't get it done, AND I'm really excited for Thursday, because elyndys and I get to go to the salon at the gym and get facials and back massages *_* both for only £30! It will be excellent.

How is it only mid-October? How is it already mid-October? Bleeeehh.

PS title not technically lyrics, but sometimes Tracy Jordan says things that really stick with me lol

I made an icon! I'm disproportionately proud of myself, despite heavy reliance on Photoshop/icon tutorials (and it still not coming out exactly how I wanted...I'm pretty sure I know how to do what I want to do, it's just not worth the time right now. I'll probably replace this one with the improved version whenever I get around to it) XD

In completely unrelated news (mild spolarz for Tales of Monkey Island ep 3): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Murray~! XD ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I should really post more, I know, and it's not that I'm busy, it's just the opposite, actually - I never do anything anymore, so there's not much to post about (because my posts were so thrilling before)...recently, for example, I have watched X-Factor, walked around a lot, gone to the gym, failed to go to the gym, and sampled some delicious cider. Also bought some chocolate, which is always good, I guess XD I'll try to be better/more interesting in future.

This winter the city's most stylish men will have a secret weapon hidden in their trousers.


Lolllllllll I cannot think of anything more ridiculous that is actually real. This is amazing. I will lol for days XD Bit spendy, though O_o;

Sooooo it's been like a week and a bit again. I don't really know how this keeps happening, since I used to have a1½-ish posts-per-day average, but I also guess I can't keep starting entries like this if it's becoming a habit. Whoops!

Mostly this week I've been feeling poor. And also failing to go to the gym. Well, I failed today - partly justifiable, though, since my abs are still killing me from doing leg-lifts on Friday! Mostly, however, I just didn't want to go after going to pub lunch and feeling full, fat and lazy. Ugh - must stop letting that happen D: More recently, I've been last night and tonight to elyndys's to watch X-Factor, and I'll be interested to watch the rest of the season, mostly because I have no idea who will actually be good - I didn't think there were many standout performances, really. And also I'm a bit miffed that so many people seem to be "second chance stars" - people who've been on the show before or in other bands before or even in another band off another show before! Like seriously - you had a chance, and you failed for whatever reason. Let someone else have a spot. I'm very unforgiving about that sort of thing. Also I have little patience with mental fragility as we discovered watching some guy with a sob story (he actually sang quite well, which was when we paid attention to him) - he kept closing his eyes and looking down and stuff, and the judges kept saying things like "oh you've kept this talent locked away for all those years" - he's only 21! It's not SO many years, surely! He looks 40, but it said he was only 21, I don't see what the big deal was. Whatever your eye-closing issue is, man up and get over it. By which I mean I am a good, compassionate person full of love and patience and kindness. ♥

Moving swiftly onwards. I'm about 200-some pages into Un Lun Dun so far, and I really like it - it took a bit to pick up for me, and I was't sure what to expect from it, but I'm really enjoying it espeically now that Deeba gets to do things. I can definitely see why people classify it as Steampunk, but I'm not sure it's any more Steampunk than other, similar YA fare (I guess airship busses make it so?), but I really like the atmosphere and the way China Miéville manages to write scenes so you know what's happened or how something was said, even if he didn't specifically spell it out for you. I admire that - intuitive writing rather than explanatory.

In other news, I'm thinking of getting a resumé together again and signing up to a temp agency - I'm worried that I'll go to the gym less and/or have to upgrade my membership, but maybe it's worth it? I don't know. It's hard to know if it's what I want to do.

Unrelatedly, I've been looking at potential PhD places again, and Berkeley continues to be a frontrunner in my preferences (though IU is a rather surprising second place) - I'm sure I could do a modified version of what I want basically anywhere with an English department, but to really do what I want I need a Folklore department, and those are harder to come by. We'll see what happens...who knows? I just wish I'd known a few months ago what we'd be doing next year, because then I could have organized to have my applications in on time to start next year...as it is, I still don't know and if I did, anyplace that wanted GRE scores I'd have to wait another year on because I'd need to organize to take those at the Embassy whenever they're offering them (plus I'll need to study because I've seen what happens when I don't)...which is frustrating. And everyplace else I'll probably miss the deadlines for just from not knowing what's going on yet. Which is also frustrating. It all means I'll have had a much bigger gap than I wanted to, and without doing what I meant to do in it anyway. Which makes me feel like a failure, or at least like I'm not trying hard enough.

Plus I've come to feel like I'll never get accepted to any of the PhD's I want anyway because a) I don't have GRE's, b) I don't have relevant experience in the field I want to pursue, c) PhD's are way more competetive than I always think they are, and d) I'm just not a standout student/person/thinker in any event...ARGH. I don't know, I don't know. I feel like I'd work really really hard at it, but then I don't really know what the basis for comparison is. I don't remember if I thought I'd work really really hard for my MA, but that turned out not to be true (I didn't do terribly, but I certainly didn't shine), so can I even trust my gut about it? Who knows.

Argh argh argh. Everything is hard (says the privileged child who knows nothing has ever been actually hard for her so no hate pls). I just want to go home and go to a pumpkin patch or apple orchard or fall festival and drink hot cider and eat apple doughnuts and pumpkin pie and pet a goat or something. Smell burning leaves, watch kids play in leaf-piles (sadly, they are no longer big enough to cushion my fall, should I leap on one D:). Fall stuff - you know. I miss it D:

In the meantime, Kate Beaton has done it again:


Lollll I really enjoy the fanart and Poe's final expression the most XD

Blergh still worrying about money all the time - this is not helped by having bought tickets home for Christmas yesterday and them being outrageously expensive, even at their cheapest (£500/person). STILL haven't bought PonyCon tickets, though I'll do that soon, I promise. I really can't wait for this recession to stop being. And I know that's dumb because everybody feels the same way about it, and it won't actually solve all my problems, but it WILL make it easier to find work, so that will be a start.

Let's see what else. I've failed to go to the gym twice out of the last 4 times I was supposed to go, but I did go yesterday and Sunday, and I'm still planning to go tomorrow, so hopefully I will be back on track. It's still frustrating because I still feel like nothing's happening, but I'm going to keep at it because EVENTUALLY I will get somewhere.

So yeah that's pretty much it - we're probably halfway through the mock-up shirt? It's been slow, but I'm going to have to pick up the pace to get things done by Halloween.

I know I should write some sort of tribute thing, but the truth is I remember it - I remember what I was doing and what that day was like, I remember everything that happened afterward, and what people said. Seeing this date written down still makes me uncomfortable, and I feel a little awkward about all the things people have said all day, which is at odds with feeling awkward that the day has proceeded pretty much as normal most places. I don't know - it is what it is.

In other news, ( a Disney princess meme! )

Bleeeehhh I hate feeling poor D: Being poor I like even less. Take it away, please! I realize I am going to sound horribly privileged etc, and that's probably because I mostly have been, but it really makes me worry to have to keep a budget - like an honest-to-God Excel spreadsheet wherein I track ALL my spending and measure the totals against my predetermined allowance for various categories. It is stressful, but also the only way I will ever have any idea what I'm doing with my money. I really wish I could find a job just to feel more secure about the whole thing, but as I'm sure I've mentioned before I've given up on it for various reasons. Conversely, I feel like I can't spend ANY non-essential money until I talk to my mom who won't be back from Canada till Monday night ie Tuesday morning. AAAAAArrrrrrrgggghhh.

I have also come back to panicking about the Where, When, and How of next year/The Future™, which is exciting. For example, avatar1983 and I discussed Boston in a pretty abstract way recently, so I spent a couple of hours the other day looking into ALL the universities in that vicinity that have PhD programs in which I might be interested. It's pretty OCD. It has also made me realize that I need to retake the GRE's (I don't even remember what I got, I did so poorly)...also that it's probably a LOT easier to get into a PhD here than in the US. Oh, well.

The sewing project, which we wisely started with a mock-up of a shirt, has been going pretty disastrously. Well, that may be overstatement, but it's REALLY not good - partly because our attitude has been "well it's just the mock-up" and partly because we've had some fascinating cock-ups thus far. Oh, well. Let's hope it's just a matter of getting into a groove. And I have to say, it is much more efficient having two people. Well, up to a point anyway.

I feel like I'm yearning for a community again. Like a thing to do that involves going out and associating with people I have something in common with and don't already know. I'm not sure if I feel like the university clubs would help with that, but they can't hurt, right? So I guess I'll see what's up with them this year. And NoDDSoc will be starting again at the same time, so I'll at least be doing that...though I'll be in a game I've never played/heard of (Deadlands) exclusively with people I know, so that will be fascinating. I think part of this desire has been fueled by all the posting about cons I can't go to - ComicCon before, now GenCon (which would only be THREE HOURS away from my house, were I at home) and Dragon*Con, and apparently there is such thing as SteamCon, which I would also be all over wtf. At least I have PonyCon? (For which I have not yet bought tickets, but vanillafire and elyndys if you guys don't mind I'll order all three of our tickets together probably Tuesday after I've talked to my mom and you guys can pay me back? Let me know if you'd rather get it yourselves :D)

In short, I am feeling extremely Sagittarian (restless, mostly) which is not helpful. Continued frustration in the gym-going arena (and I missed yesterday because I'm lame) makes it more "bleh" than it might otherwise be. I've been really edgy recently, and I'm always on a hair-trigger. It's not fun for me, and I imagine it's even less so for people (well, person mostly) who have to deal with me. Argh. I don't know what to do about it. I'm reading a book that's more work than pleasure at this point. I'm playing five games (relatively actively, not including the semi-abandoned Titan Quest and Sacred 2) but two of them I need to have walkthroughs open for at all times, one of them got spoiled so I'm putting it off, one's just frustrating atm, and one I lose patience with very quickly. Not counting the STACK of games we've just been loaned (one of which is one of the above-listed games) that I need to get through At Some Point Soon™. I actually made a to-do list recently of what order I need to play things in. It also had what orders in which I need to sew things and read other things. So much to do, yet all of it seems like work. It's not, and it'll be fun, but I keep being in moods where I don't want to do any of it because I should do it. It's stupid. Let's hope it passes.

In other news, we saw District 9 today - I thought it was very good, and I think the article I read a couple of weeks ago accusing the film itself of being racist (by comparing the treatment of, it claimed, ACTUALLY terrible, destructive etc "prawns" with the treatment of human subjugated minorities) willfully misinterpreted the way the film was presented. I think it might be my overexposure to it talking (since I've been hearing about it for MONTHS as it came up to US release, after its US release, and coming up to its release here yesterday), but sometimes it felt a bit heavy-handed. Fortunately not often, though. I really liked Christopher's son - he was super adorable and also surprisingly competent! I thought it was seriously cute when he was playing with a milk-jug like it was a car ♥ And also throwing whatever kind of "sweetie" it was back at Wikus XD ANYWAY. I really really hate open-endedness in films/stories (though I hate failure to establish a solid themed narrative more There Will Be Blood), so I kind of wish they had done a 2-minute "3 Years Later" scene, but also I kind of liked the end like this-? I just really hope they don't do a sequel, becuase then I will absolutely wish there had been a 2-minute dénoument in THIS film rather than a 2-hour dénoument in the form of a potentially-crappy sequel.

OMG OMG OMG PONYCON 2009 (a My Little Pony convention which I literally found out about 5 minutes ago) IS IN SHEFFIELD hahahaha holy shit I have to go. Day passes for the second day are only £8.50 (I'd get the £15 weekend pass, but you have to be a member of the forum, and I thought, despite it probably taking 4 seconds, that was a bit extreme). WHO IS WITH ME HELEN I KNOW YOU WANT TO COME :DDDDDDDDDDD

It will be epic.

I feel kind of bad about how intermittent my posting has become...Oh, well. Either it will get better or it won't. We shall see.

I have only missed one alternating day at the gym this whole month, and I feel like nothing has happened. I don't feel any different, my clothes don't fit any better, and I don't find it easier to go up the stairs. This is discouraging, and I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me, because I know it took forever to get into the terrible shape I'm in, so logically it will take a while to get out of it/into better shape. But I also know that it's supposed to be easier for very overweight people (like me) to lose faster because your body goes "oh thank God you're doing something" etc...I just haven't got there yet I guess. SO FRUSTRATING. Like I say, I know it's silly to expect results only like 3 weeks in, but I kind of feel like I deserve some sign that it's worth doing, you know?

I keep thinking about all the things I'm going to do when I've lost weight - I've always thought like this, but it's gotten more intense recently. And because I'm actually doing something, it makes me more impatient for it, like I keep wanting to buy all the things I'll want to wear then now (which may also be a product of my having a relatively tight budget right now, so naturally I want to spend, spend, spend!)...I don't know, it's all kind of silly. I don't want to turn 25 fat. I mean, I'll almost certainly still have weight to lose then, but I really, really, really want to have to buy new clothes by then. I really want to have accomplished something in this vein by then. I only have like 3 months now (well, 4 if Christmas is the deadline rather than my birthday), and I don't know how to make it go faster. I'm afraid to go every day because I'll probably burn myself out. But every other day doesn't feel very...accomplished? I don't know. I'm trying.

The Halloween sewing is going very very slowly, as we have thus far cut out the pieces for a mock-up shirt. That's it. But I'll be able to get down to it after this weekend (so Tuesday, since it's Bank Holiday so we'll be at pub board games Monday...after the gym).

Sort of random, but somewhat related: my feet cramp when I walk fast for any length of time (like on the treadmill or going into town), and I have no idea how to stop them. It goes away after a while, but it really hurts and I feel like that's not normal. I don't think it's a product of the shoes, because it happens in at least 3 pairs that I have...maybe it is, I don't know. Still, pretty annoying.

In other news, I managed not to get anything sent out for my brother's birthday or my parents' anniversary (two days apart), about which I feel pretty crappy. I've been only so-so at keeping on top of birthday etc while away, and I hate when I mess up. Alas.

"Yeah, sometimes there's an alligator driving a car and other times you're wearing a hat made out of meat."

I am suddenly seriously pissed off! I have just discovered that someone, some person with no respect for personal belongings, has eaten half of the cocnut-lime ice cream I had been saving! I mean yes it was in the freezer for a very long time (since June, I think), but it was mine, and there's really no way someone could have mistaken it for their own, and I was SAVING it for a day when I really needed a dessert for whatever reason (like today) but someone decided that thieving someone else's ice cream was more important. THANKS A LOT. Seriously is it so difficult stick to your own groceries? This makes me feel like I'm living with Caroline and Randy again - even putting your name on it didn't help there, and God forbid they ever pay you back or replace it like they always claimed they would. ARGH very few things anger me more than food theft. I will give you things if you ask (sometimes even all of it). But DO NOT JUST TAKE THEM. Plus I have no idea WHEN this might have happened because I assumed that it would be safe in the freezer because no one would look and go "ooh I don't remember buying that but it must have been me and not one of the 4 other people who live in this house - let's have that!" This is why we can't have nice things.

In slightly happier news, we went to the fabric shop today. We got cheap horrible fabric for mock-ups, we got a nice dark brown linen for pants, and some sheeting for shirts - the white linen I would have gotten was WAY too transparent to work properly. But no one will care too much, I think, if our shirts look like they were made from bedsheets.

I was frustrated by neither the proper fabric store nor John Lewis having anything like what I was looking for for the coats - we found something almost workable for avatar1983's, but nothing approaching usable for mine. Alas. I am resorting to the internet, where there seem to be only very few more options. I KNOW Jo-Ann's or Hancock would have this at home - why is it so difficult to get here? Bleh. We shall see what happens.

So I guess today has gone from borderline positive to extremely frustrating and really pretty crap in a very short period of time. I was going to watch something I've never seen, but both my options lined up seem wrong for this sort of mood, so I will pull out some comfort movie and go from there, I think. Bleh.